1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL-DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a cyclone hit it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
(See Also: "Millions of children in Africa are starving. Clean your plate!")
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until I get you home."
17. My mother taught me that it is better to GIVE than to RECEIVE.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they'll get stuck in that position."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR and CARING.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me for sympathy."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day, you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
26. My (kids') mother(s) taught me the value of TACT.
"If you don't straighten up and stop (insert latest infraction here), you'll go straight to hell..." Followed shortly by, "Wipe that smirk off your face! You look as if you plan to enjoy the trip." (Actually, I learned in college that they stole that last idea from Winston Churchill...)
27. My mother taught me about OMNIPOTENCE.
"You better not shout/You better not pout/You better watch out/I'm telling you why. Santa Clause is coming to town. He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake/So be good, for Goodness sake." (sung off key, but with brio)
28. My mother taught me the Golden Rule.
"Live in such a way that if someone speaks badly of you, no one will believe it."
"Kill them with kindness."