An impressive number of "aliens" have been trying to slip illegally into my in-box. To combat this epidemic, I am deputizing all of you to serve your country as Homeland Security Agents.
When you see "coyotes", (papers wearing "unshaved", "unsightly", "dangerous" fringe on the left side,) remove him/her carefully -- he/she may be escorting an illegal alien attached to his/her back.
Illegals lack paperwork to enter legally. Check their upper right hand corner. If that "pocket" of their coat is empty, (missing name, class, hour or date) you are in the presence of an illegal alien. Escort him/her to the red folder at once to await "deportation".
Next, check their passports for a work visa. A legal paper will have a job reference on the title line, (assignment) complete with the prospective employer's job (page) number. Each alien must be invited to enter by a registered, reputable employer waiting to give him/her a pay check (grade) and health insurance benefits (spelling, usage, capitalization, punctuation aid as needed on an individual basis).
Once semester grades are on the cards and in the student's hands, the illegals will be permanently deported (dumped in the trash).
If you are missing a relative, you may pay his/her bail by removing him/her from the folder and re-applying with proper id papers for legal entry. Time is of the essence.