"You have been ... 'kissed good-bye' from Mr. W., the superintendent" read the slip in my mailbox with a silver foil-wrapped Hershey's candy kiss attached.
We had the superintendent’s retirement party today at 3:30 and everyone said all the usual things, then one gal got really funny, telling about her first few weeks with him as a boss. They DID NOT get along.
Mr. W. had told her husband that he'd never met anyone as stubborn as she was. He immediately thought the new super was super to catch on to that so fast. She just KNEW she was right, but then noted that he knew every kid's name, and would comb the hair of one who showed up ungroomed, etc. Her timing was impeccable. She got even the chatters laughing at her stand-up comedy routine. She was the last "performer" to move to the front and be formal.
I went right after her, with “Last night, when I went into the office to put the things I needed copied in the box, I GOT KISSED by a phantom — the SCHOOL SPIRIT, and waved toward Mr. W. Imagine my surprise.”
Oh, the crowd loved it. I was sitting next to the gal who runs the local paper. Mr. W. rebutted, “You’d better explain yourself.” He was well-tanned... a flush? His wife and two of the daughters were sitting with him.
“What? Why would I ruin a good story like that.” Oh, yeah, we were on a roll. Retirement or roast?? He was up for it.
Later on, I told R., his wife, that he always had "hair envy", so I’d tried to find the perfect wig for him... She has a real good sense of humor.
The bus barn manager, a card in his own right, too, told about a song the super sang to him, with his big beautiful eyes right up close. (His glasses can make his eyes look bigger than they really are.) The crowd had lots of fun with his version of the song, which slips my mind at present, but he actually sang a bit of it, too, managing to imply that both walked with a swish. (Neither are at all prissy, and both are happily and very visibly married.)
Not to be outdone, his wife told about him leaving a hotel room late, wearing HER capri pants, which were the same color as his. He asked her if they looked okay as they seemed sort of short. (His always have to be hemmed up to be short enough for him, she revealed.)
Just before I left, I told him personally (not to the whole group) that I could have made my comments even juicier by saying how much I’d miss all those early morning phone calls. He guffawed. (He called me on the calling tree in case of bad weather over the past 11 years, generally waking me out of a sound sleep around 5 am.)
He also made sure to tell about paying 50¢ to some fund raiser for each candy kiss, then affixing them to the slips of paper, and look what payback he got. (Later, I offered him an apology, but he just waved it off -- he was not at all upset about it, nor were any of his family.)
Another teacher, a coach, said, "I was going to say something, but after not having any eyes batted at me, no needing to make up for being hard-headed, and no kiss, I guess I just don't count."
The secretary said, "You would if you ever emptied your mail box." (About half of the mail boxes still had the tell-tale teardrop silver shapes sticking up in the boxes right before the party.)
Always leave 'em laughing.