pandemo (pandemo) wrote,
pandemo
pandemo

PatM - Catting Around (WC 463) F


INT. HOLLYWOOD BANQUET - SIDE ROOM - DINNERTIME


At the head table, a famous actor approaches the mike.

        MC
      (jokingly)
    Welcome to the Larry King Live show, on this auspicious day, renowned as Dr. Seuss's birthday.
 Obie, Robbie and others at their table ignore the official hoopla.

        OBIE
    There's an old saying: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I'm about as far from the kitchen as it's possible for a woman to get. Most men, given my physical charms, are perfectly content to leave it like that. So, what are you doing?"



        JEREMIAH
      (glibly)
    Don't sell yourself short. Some men like tall and willowy, look good on the arm; others prefer soft and pillowy, smile full of charm, according to my grandmother. I have to admit, when I'm not on screen or stage, I agree.

        
OBIE
    And the age discrepancy?

        JEREMIAH
    Men die off sooner.

        OBIE
    Don't you feel you're overdoing it a bit? My female ancestors have been consistently making it into their early 90's... Assuming my lifespan will run about the same, you'll be what? 50 something by then?

        
JEREMIAH
    Come sit on my lap.

OBIE slips into an imaginary Larry King Live segment.


BEGIN DAYDREAM


SWT (Sweet Young Thing, a tall, thin, 20 something, obviously foppish version of JEREMIAH) flashes a mega-wattage “come hither” smile at OB (Old Battle-axe, sometimes known as Old Bat, obviously a campy version of OBIE).


        OB
    No way! I’m far too fat!
    If I did that,
    You’d probably sue me for squashing you flat
    As the proverbial pancake.

SWT reaches for OB as he speaks, pulling her unceremoniously into his lap. flirting outrageously as the audience laughs at the incongruous sight.


        SWT (SIMULTANEOUS)
    Harrumph! I can take it!

        AUDIENCE
      (howls delightedly with laughter)

        OB
      (turns toward SWT)
    Oh, how awful!

OB pokes all ten fingers into SWT’s rock-hard chest.


        OB
    Now you’re a waffle!

END DAYDREAM


OBIE gives a shiver as she mentally re-enters the real world.


        OBIE
    No way! If I did that, you'd probably sue me for squashing you flat as the proverbial pancake.


Sliding over to her bench, JEREMIAH pulls her smoothly into his lap. OBIE, facing him, stiffens all ten fingers and pokes them into his chest.


        OBIE
    Oh! how awful! Now you're a waffle.


        JEREMIAH
    Courtesy of Dr. Seuss, I presume.

        OBIE
    Short story titles a la Seuss. The Awful Waffle, a story where the MC's inability to make up his mind leads to Dire Consequences.

        JEREMIAH
    My mind is made up. It's yours that hasn't accepted the inevitable, yet.

        OBIE
    You forget; I already have a full time job. Second title: Resolutely Resisting Reading, where the eighth graders hold fast to their hard-won ignorance in spite of NCLB's best practices.


Last updated 11/28/09 Corrected names, spacing; dropped lines added to Hollywood Event; integrated Still Catting Around material.


Reference journal entry
Tags: patm
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