Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Baseball is wrong: a man with four balls cannot walk.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Turn them in for valuable prizes.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
On the other hand--you have different fingers.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
All those that believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I wished the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I am having an out of money experience.
What do people in China call their good dishes?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes"?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Words are windows to the heart.
The best way to get even is to forget.
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
Some folks wear their halos much too tightly.
Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.
A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.
It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a little dirt.
A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right person.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, then discover the prisoner was you.
You have to wonder about humans; they think God is dead, and Elvis is alive!
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The punishment for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.
Suspicion -- not proof -- destroys trust.
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Men are like floor tiles. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe it.
Learn to pick your battles; Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it, or anything else, with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they've saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here...even our kids.
Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now.
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, not only are you a mile away, but you also have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left.
A person who drives like hell is bound to get there.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.