June 21st, 2005


Washington Post Contest Winners

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9 . Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12 Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


Today's shopping trip got canceled. J. called and wanted to bring M. back to ride again. He said she'd told him the next day both her butt and her boobs were sore.

"Wasn't she wearing a bra?" (I never notice things like that.)

"Yes, but it must not have been a very strong one. She's quite heavy there."

"Well, suggest one of those cross your heart things or something."

When they came, I deliberately looked, but did not see a particularly well-endowed specimen.

He took Angelina and she rode Adagio, a name she could not remember. It reminded me of J. when he first came, deciding Arpeggio was Alice for the same reason. I explained the two musical terms Adagio and Arpeggio. I don't know if it helped, or not.

We're on come kind of a roll, here. J. has brought her twice, ridden all over creation twice, and NOBODY has fallen off. No turkey buzzards, no whistling llamas, no falling over backward into creeks because the banks they attempted were too muddy and sheer? No rustling dried leaves on corn stalks (thank heavens, as it's WAY too early in the growing season for that ailment!)

Dare I say it? He'll be 24 this August. Has he finally grown UP???

Alphabetical Order?

With the coming of summer, I've been spotting more of the mares in heat after Debut's unexpected bonanzas in April.

The only three not noticed so far are Lucretia, Lyric and Leche (stable name for Forget-Me-Not). Did he breed in alphabetical order??? (Well, omitting the broodmatron Louise, a crusty older mare who would have knocked the young whippersnapper's block off had he come sniffing around without an engraved invitation.) I'd rather have missed them when they showed, as two are young mares easily bumped away...

City slickers visiting the farm at times like these go away with a whole new meaning for the term, "just horsing around".

It just occurred to me that people who don't know my herd still might enjoy seeing who I'm talking about... Each horse has at least one specialized web page with at least one photo. Obviously, since Lyric's is as a foal, some of the photos are not current...