June 19th, 2004


Size Matters (PG-17, innuendo)

This post is by special request from my mother, who just turned 80 and is VERY STRAIGHT LACED, so it took me quite by surprise.

We were discussing the 68 year old Glenn Campbell getting 10 nights in jail for Very Extreme Drunk Driving. Mom commented that it wasn't his first time. Then she started in about his former appearances on the old Johnny Carson show. He was always talking about his horse, and Johnny suggested that he bring him along sometime.

He did. Undiapered. The horse did NOT have an accident, but he did allow himself to descend. Before the camera pulled away, Mom got a glimpse of his equipment, and told me she was astonished by its SIZE.

So I patiently explained that belled out for breeding, it was as long as her arm with her fist clenched at the end. She began to giggle.

"The clenched fist part is called the head, she informed me. My eyes widened.

I told her about a time when I was showing my favorite stallion, JAY DEE. He had a cue for "put it away" that could be used with no vocal reinforcement, if need be, a slap flat against his belly.

We were standing in a line of horses, head to tail, when someone from the rail hollered at me, "Your anchor is dragging." I looked up to see another stallion owner indicating that, yes, it WAS my horse who had run himself down. I could not see it from the angle I was standing at, so I quickly stepped to his side and gave a slight pull on the lead shank, slapped his belly with my other hand and said, "Put it away." It leaped upward and I turned to get back in position only to come eye to eye with a quite amazed judge.

"You have a command for that?" his eyebrows receded into his hair line, legs twitching as if he really wanted to cross them for protection.

"Absolutely," I said, returning to stand, demure and dignified, in front of my stallion.

I don't remember how we placed.

Rewarding Competence

Before his death, my father, an engineer's engineer who worked his entire adult life for IBM, was sent to England for 16 months as quality control on a project.

One day, in frustration after yet another round of clashes, he queried his boss,"Why did you pick me for this project?" intimating that it was NOT a favor to him to allow him to travel around the world at their expense.

"You know how to tell people to go to Hell and make them like it."